smurf5884

Boy, I sure as hell disappeared. I did that on purpose and partially because our computer died on us. I have been busy with work and I am going back to school in a week or so. I am nervous and completely happy. I realize today that people come and people go, but how you feel bout them never seems to change. I like the saying " out of sight out of mind." Well, as true as that may be the moment you see them there they are in your mind once again, different, but there. I have moved on and put things in the past. It is not something I need. Just thought I would say "Hi."

Current Music: be happy- aqua

This is my last entry for a very long time. There is no use writing here anymore. I will leave the site up and all, but that will also remain untouched. Right now in my life I need to rely on me and trust my family. I need no one else. I will be cutting off people left and right and only the strong will survive. I will not make known how I feel at all either about anyone after this. I may not be perfect or wholesome, but there is one who I left untouched. i didn't change him for a reason. My feelings for you are deep like a wound right now, but good boys and bad girls do not mesh well. You and I are different. You will never know bout me and I will never understand you, thus it is meant to end this way specifically. From here on out I am giving up on relationships. I am going to dive into work hoping never to return except for a breath of air. I just cannot deal. I am meant to be with bad boys and get crushed. I don't deserve something like you in my life something so pure. I put you behind me. The rest of you who read this I do the same just different, with a chance to come back. I am going to disappear.

Current Music: "So Much for My Happy Ending" Avril

Yes, I am afraid I worded that correctly. Jail bait as in the sense of worm on hook. Let's put it this way, the gift cards are dirty. So, now I am down to one job and decided to move to Omaha earlier than I had intended. I am kinda happy, but at the same time I feel my name is tainted. Right now I am disappointed in myself. I scratched my scars and almost cut on the way home because my motivation for anything right now went down the tube. I cannot ever be hired by the Wal-mart company (big loss-NOT).


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What I have learned...Never trust something or someone that does not trust you b/c you will get burned...BAD. I am not a bad person. I am still me, the responsible, mature, able to count on me even though I doubt myself right now. I haven't cut yet b/c I know I am stronger than that...hopefully.
All in all it was a terrible day and tomorrow is new day..for me to screw up :P

Current Mood: disappointed
Current Music: "Power of Good bye" Madonna (my c***** theme)

Complicated has appearred to be running my life lately. Probably b/c it hurt and I didn't know what to do with it. There are times when I just want to cry, but can't b/c my body won't let me.
Today, however, I feel like I have smiled a real smilee. I am with my "family" and things are just awesome. I don't know what it is about them, but (lol- i said butt) it feels right.
I would just like to give a shout out to PAUL KONZ b/c you did not say hi to me in walmart...i must eat now...ciao

I told my mom how I was feeling and she missed the point, not that there is one, but she treated it as if I were cutting again. To be blunt she assumes I just want attention. I don't want that at all right now. I just want to be left alone, where I don't have to care bout anyone, so forth and so on. To be honest I don't even understand all this shit.

I talked to someone tonight to find out what he thought "complicated" meant and apparently it means "not interested." It pisses me off more that he couldn't tell me and just be honest with me. I just want to say "fuck off", "screw you" just to show him how I feel about it all. It almost hurts that I just want to cry or something.
A couple nights ago Dan stopped in at Walmart. He stopped by to say "hi." I was surprised, confused, and almost touched. :D:P
A couple days ago also there was this guy, named Ian, who came into my life. He reminded me of how I used to be and shit. He somehow felt like he needed to tell me everything bout him so forth and so on. I don't get it. I had heard he was interested in me and it helped me figure out what I really want. I don't want to be what I used to be. I want to be good and that is why I told someone that I like him. He was good for me and was another one of those that showed me that not all males are like Keith. Good night all

Current Mood: almost sad
Current Music: "I miss you" Avril

We talked and Scott said he didn't see us getting together. I would have rather him be blunt with me so I told him to tell me that he didn't like me that way. He proceeded to say that he couldn't do that. I asked why not and his excuse was that it was complicated. Who used complicated unless you mean something else by it? There was something there that he wasn't telling me and apparently he didn't feel comfortable enough to trust me with this information.
Today I was woken up by a guy named Ian who is apparently "interested" in me. He seems like he could be a nice guy if I got to know him better, but I know his type. The bad boy that teases and flirts to get his way and then once he gets laid that is the end of anything. AJ from work is like that too and while a part of me wants to be bad again, go out drinking, having sex and what not the other half or maybe 3/4s says what about the good guy? Well, guess what? Nice guys finish last and in this case I did. For once I went for the decent guy instead of someone naughty and I got a slap in the face.
Right now I just want to change my life and move on. I feel like I am in a rut right now.
On the positive side...My roommate asked me to be in her wedding party. I am so honored. I was hoping she would ask. I would have loved to be the maid of honor, but all in all that is just a title. I can't believe that Jolene was worried that I wouldn't want to be in her wedding because my life is getting expensive. To be honest I wouldn't miss anything like this for the world. I would do anything to get there. Something this important to a friend is really important to me. I would quit so much for friends because friends are always there and everything else in life is just temporary. Oh, I am soooooo excited. I can't wait and I hope that I can help in some way.
Well, as for anything I think I know what I want right now. All I need is the finance for it. Night

Current Mood: mixed feelings

I have goals in my life right now and it is hard to achieve them. Right now I am working two jobs and people are asking me if I want their hours. I would gladly do it, but I have to juggle the other job too. I just need the money.
Tuesday I plan on going to Xenon and I am getting my hair done. I want the top half dyed strawberry blonde, the bottom a deep red, and then I want some blue somewhere if it fits. I also want to get a new tattoo sometime. I plan on adding a fairy to my lower back. I don't know which one, but soon. I should go to bed. Night all ;)

Those are the most dreaded words, but sometimes they can be good right? I had one of those lately and I am a little worried, but at the same time I don't care. Signs seem good though.

If I wasn't worth it why didn't you just tell me? If you weren't coming then why didn't you tell me? If you didn't like me then why did you waste time talking and spending time with me? WHAT THE FUCK YOU WANT FROM ME? If you were going to be a fucking jerk WHY DIDN'T YOU STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME?

Current Mood: depressed

I don't know what to say tonight. The only thing that is on my mind is "...I have to tell him..." and that keeps repeating in my head. Weird. I need a life. I think I am going to make an appointment for my mom and I at Xenon for a haircut and color. I want strawberry blonde with bright red under and a couple blue streaks in my hair. I want to look wild. Well, yeah...later

Current Mood: horny
Current Music: "Move your body" Nina Sky

I did some thinking today while I cleaned my room. First, I want to be bad all of a sudden (talk about a willa ford remix) and feel like getting in trouble with cops, being a slut etc, but I haven't acted on it yet. You see things were going so well and I just got bored or fed up with all the shit that came with it.
For some examples, let's talk about a guy I hung out with. Yeah, I didn't know if he was interested or not and now I am kinda getting a cold shoulder, so I say to hell with it. I don't time time for your shit. I liked you a lot and that is that. Your loss.
Second, let's try work...I ASK AND AM WILLING TO WORK 40 FUCKING HOURS, NOT JUST 40 HOURS, BUT 40 FUCKING HOURS. WHY WON'T YOU FUCKING GIVE THEM TO ME? I do not understand. Part time people complain because they have too many hours, full time complain they don't have enough, and then there are the smart people who just quit (and walmart sits on their ass thinking dumbfoundly "uh, why did they quit? we da best." (shakes head) OH FUCK OFF.
Third, I am bored with my life and want to be moved and out of my house on my own.
All in all I am fine, dieting to lose 80 lbs, and just needed to vent or maybe this was my period talking.....anyway, :P Peace out

Current Mood: weird
Current Music: "Saltshaker" ying yang twins

As lost as a pers could be I thought I had lost my mind. Keeping secrets was not my forte and here I was hiding, not being myself once again.
We had slowly spent time together and the moment I came home I knew how I felt as a person. I felt happy, comfortable, as if I had no worries.
I could tell he was feeling me also until he seemed to drift away as if a boat sailing off to sea. I did not know where things were going from here and the world around me seemed to get bigger.
I started to analyze whether I had actually liked this person or not. Had I just imagined things...again? Had I just wished for something that was never there, but in my head?
People are great you know, but it is the mind that runs their lives like mine was now. Animals acta on instinct while humans rethink somehting to the point where they destroy themselfves or pass up a chance that could only happen if hell froze over.
To be honest it is all quite funny, but one must remind him or herself of the strength one holds. The power of the mind holds so much, but contradicted with the heart it is strong enought to ruin a person for good, Empowered by the heart, however, would be like giving a car gas, the strength is enormous and moves quickly...like an animal on instinct.

Current Mood: y can't u b blunt?

Guess what kiddies? No one visits my site and for the most part no one really reads this, so it is pointless for me to even waste internet space like this. I am going to start my writing here today. I am going to give the journal and site a month to see if anyone actually gives a shit bout them. (no i am not offended or anything. Just can't keep up on something so pointless)
next entry story starts

Current Mood: confused
Current Music: "Nobody's Home"- Avril Lavigne

Hey all, Today I got called into work. I looked and it appears that Bethy needed time off. What were you doing? (asks in a motherly tone) LOL Anyway, I have been too good and decided to go bad. Tattoo up, pierce it up, and raise hell. You won't know me anymore and that is just fucking fine with me. I am in a mood right now where I am feeling extra independent and able to conqueor anything. I want to go dancing and turn guys on. I want to know I am sexy. I want...we won't go there. LOL...I shall catch you all later.

Current Mood: flirty
Current Music: "Move your body" Nina Sky

Yesterday at work I switched with Sara for L&G hours. She is going to work my 5 hour cashier shift and I will work her 8 hour shift which will give me 3 more hours. Then John called and I guess I have a 5 hour shift tonight. That will bring me up to 39 hours this week. I also asked John not long ago for more hours and he is going to ask Greg about putting me on some night shifts. It would be nice, but then I wouldn't see anyone at all. That is life though.
I was suppose to go to Sioux Falls today, but everything just fell through. First my partner ditched me which I kinda expected (gut feeling) then my family wants me to go Thursday with them, and now I am working tonight. Hey, whatever works.
I talked to someone bout my cutting last night. I didn't know what to say, but I was surprised. He is not as oblivious as I thought, but he does respect me enough not to ask unless it comes up I guess. Sometimes I wish he would ask because it shows someone you care when they ask, but not everyone is like that. Well, I must go. Peace all

Ok, this is the 4th time I am trying this and I don't want to talk anymore. I have some shit I want to spill, but it aint worth it. Maybe I'll come back later when our stupid comp quits rebooting. :S:S:S:S:S:S:S

Today at work I found out on the new schedule I only have 20 fucking hours. You have no idea how pissed I was to know this. I was so angry that my speed for scanning items when up to 634. LOL. I guess something good always comes from something bad. I was impress and proud bout that. I left Paula a note, plan to talk to John, and if nothing happens I have to find something else. I need money for school and I just can't take the cut.
Last night someone read this last night that made me nervous because I speak of them. I wasn't sure if I wanted that person to know what I say bout them, but I right now as I think about it some more the truth has to come out. So here it is...I am comfortable with this person and enjoy conversing with them. I like the twists and turns and unexpected things from this person too. There it is folks. You know who you are.
My mom got me a book to write in. I have decided to make it a letter book. You see things I can't tell you all I will write in there. You guys have no idea what I hide or just don't say because the timing is off. If you get a chance to read it, so be it. :P
Tonight Abella and AJ (loaders) wanted me to hang out again. I won't do it. I will not do that shit again until it means something. I know what they want and I know I would regret every bit. Yes, I tease them (it's my nature), but I don't want friends with benefits again or anything along that line. I am looking for a relationship right now or just enjoying being single right now. AJ also asked bout my scars on my wrist. I barely know the guy and there is no way in hell I could tell him "yeah, I suffer from depression and sometimes cut myself." To all of you out there, it has been 5 monthes and going strong. Thanx to *, you have no idea how happy you make me.
I recieved a questionaire not long ago from some friends of mine. I filled it out because it was not filled just with what my favorites were, but more though provoking I guess you could say.
10. what does your dad do? I have no dad
38. What is one thing any guy or gal could do to totally steal your heart? do something that I would least expect like instead of waiting for Valentines Day to give me something do it on a day when i don't think you remembered my name.
39. would you ever try a long distance relationship? been there done that and yes
59. what's your favorite thing about your personality? How wild anduntamed it is
81. what's something that happened to you that was good at the time, but not anymore? Friends with benefits with someone you love.
87. what are three things you hope to do before you die? sky dive, bungee jump, and find someone who loves me
89. if you could know one thing about your future, what would it be? I, to be honest, don't want to know
90. if you could change one thing about your past, what would it be? I can't pick one thing, but I have no regrets as of now.

Current Mood: bouncy
Current Music: "I want to have sex on the beach"

I left for work today ok and then some asshole of a lady tailed me then didn't and did....etc. She pissed me off so much. Why can't swampies pick a speed? It is either too fast or too slow.
Then add bitchy customers from yesterday and the one who swore at me in spanish (yes I understood you dildo head) and add a secret I am keeping from everyone and you have a very stressed person in tears.
I almost cut myself last night and I thought about it today, but you know what I am stronger than that and didn't do anything. My night ended with a low car battery, but I survived. I am probably going to spend the next year at Walmart at this rate of paying for pills and not getting enough hours. I almost need 3 jobs because of this shit.

I want to move, I want to get out of here, and I feel as though I am being held back. Walmart has sucked me in. I get hours that don't really go with any other job, I don't get enough hours, and ...oh fuck it really. Yes, I needed a bitch entry and I think I have earned it.

To the special one...."I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Weena" LOL

Current Mood: goofy
Current Music: Oscar Meyer Weena song

I had a chat with Dan tonight. This guy is a walking contradiction, but I still think he can be nice when he wants to. We know that he used to work in a nursing home and said he rather enjoyed it. Graduated from college with a degree in biology because he was going to go into the medical field. He describes himself in one word as "thoughtful." Ok, tonight we also found out he is not gay, has a girlfriend (gives a smug look), would not let me get to know him over dinner because it would look bad. Now listen to this shit. He said that he is management, but he is hourly management so he can hang out/get to know (whatever you want to call it) with "hourly." Yeah, let's become careless and put yourself on a pedestal calling anyone under you "hourly" as if it is a bad thing. He said it was because it would look bad if I got a raise. He thinks people would think it was because I was close to him or "someone in management." I also asked why he came off so cocky. Yes, believe it or not I just came out and asked him why he was so fucking cocky...for get the fucking, but you get my drift. He said he was just a confident guy. I can kinda see that considering confidence can intimidate. Through the whole conversations which was 10-20 minutes he did not appear to be the normal cocky Dan, but someone who COULD be a decent guy/friend,but since I am hourly it will have to be towards someone else. I am mildly offended, but IT IS JUST DAN. I just thought the whole shpeel was funny and had to share. Good night all.

Current Mood: nauseated